Axel Says It All
by shizuyue
Summary: [shonen ai, oneshot] Axel x Roxas. Axel finally decided enough is enough and sends an email to his fanclubs.


Dear fans of your resident favorite pyromaniac,

My name is Axel, got it memorized? Not Reno. Definitely not the guy who got his ass handed to him by a long-haired silver Sephiroth-lookalike. Yes, I watched Advent Children. And Cloud was hot! He looks like Roxas! Sephiroth looks like Xemnas, or the other way round, since it is commonly believed that Sephiroth came first... god, that sounded dirty. Not that I don't like that innuendo... I heard that there is a Sephiroth somewhere in our world... hehe...

Erhem. Back on topic. I am here, writing a letter to your club and carbon-copying it to wherever it can reach so that I can clear some fandom assumptions about me.

First... I do not like setting fire on myself. The few times I do (like eight out of ten times), I did not do it with the intention of doing it. Actually... I'm not so sure about that, since I wasn't exactly thinking straight. Roxas tells me every single time that I did do it with the intention to do it, but seriously, do you believe him? And yes, the bit about my love for booze is absolutely correct. It's the next best thing after Roxas. And I love burning things, don't get it wrong. Like Roxas says, I'm a pyromaniac. I burn things for the sake of seeing them burn. But I don't like burning myself. Got it memorized?

Second... I'm not a sex-crazed pervert whose every thought is centered on getting into Roxas's pants. Look, I have a perfectly functioning brain that is not totally dominated with cells linking towards my nether regions. It does occasionally (more like ninety percent of the time, but that's my 'occasional' for you) break down when Roxas comes into my sight or thoughts, but I have other things in mind as well, alright? Like my evil plans to dye Xemnas hair yet another color. Xigbar did it with bright neon pink three days ago and I think it is starting to become an eyesore. And I did screw over Marluxia and his group of Xemnas-wannabes. So yes, I'm not brainless. Well, not totally, anyway.

Third... You have got it all wrong about me playing all the pranks on the other Organization members. Do you have any idea how many times I wake up with my hair some different color? Almost monthly. Heh, only Xemnas gets it weekly. But seriously, even he plays pranks on us. Even Demyx does. Yes, especially Demyx. You think he's dumb because he's a pansy? No way, why do you think he got into the Organization in the first place? He's a total devil when you become familiar with him! I mentioned about setting myself on fire, right? Five out of ten times, he's around and I swear he put things in my drinks. Too bad I never caught him in the act. And he never gets drunk! Where the hell does all the alcohol in him go?!

Fourth... I have received comments about my obsession and over-protectiveness of Roxas. Some even went as far as saying that I stalk him... How can I not? He's so innocent, so pure, so cute, like a clean white little daisy... even if he's a bit too angsty at times, but you can't blame him, he's got amnesia, so it's understandable. So I have to protect him for his own survival, for those evil bastards. It's a jungle out there, you know, I have to keep him safe. And those two, Saix and Luxord, loves to pick on him after they get drunk, like they used to do to me and Demyx. I don't want Roxas to grow up like us. Though I feel that he's starting to learn these bad bad habits... Xigbar pinned my favorite boxers to the top of Saix's room and the only person who has access to my underwears is a certain spikey-haired blond.

Hmm... Nevermind, maybe I'm just thinking too much. If that crazy gunsman can barged into Xemnas's room, he may have a chance with mine. Even though I booby-trapped it a few times over after Zexion and Larxene painted smiley faces all over it. Yeah, like I said, it's a jungle out there. I gotta watch out for myself and Roxas, you know?

Mm... do I have anything else that I want to- Ohhh... I hear Roxas calling for me... yes, my sweet darling pie? That... that's Saix's evil drunk laughter! Noooo!! Stop whatever you're going to him, you lunatic!! So see ya, my lovely fans, I'm going to rescue Roxas! Gotta go, bye!


End file.
